When Loons Get Together
by JollyDoll
Summary: It all starts in a bar. Soon the cast of Silent Hill find themselves in the most insane situation.
1. At The Bar

**Author Note:** This is actually a roleplay that myself and Ken (Doctor G. Reaper) took part. Actually it was just the two of us. I found it funny and decided to post it as a fan fiction. Everything that Vincent, Maria, Jemima, Kaufmann, Valtiel, Dennis, Alyssa, Alessa and Burroughs says was done by myself. James, Kenneth, Jasper, John, Robert, Ralph, Cheryl, Laura and Walter was done by Ken. Get kinda weird with Alessa and Alyssa.

**Disclaimer:** Myself and Ken do not own Silent Hill or its characters they belong to Konami. We don't own Clock Tower 3 or its characters they belong to Capcom. We don't own Project Zero 2/Fatal Frame 2 and Sae Kurosawa they belong to Techmo.

* * *

James is digging around in the sixth toilet of today and pulls out a fancy looking vial. He does a victory fist-thrust and adds it into his bag of other toilet items, including a sock, a keychain, and a Christmas card. "Yes! I told them that I could make a living off of my beloved! They said I couldn't, noooo, but look at all these artifacts!" By now, of course, his left eye is twitching. This, however, disgusts Maria who is standing nearby watching. The nasty smell of shit and piss in the air is also making Maria feel quite ill. "I had to leave that town with this loser. Should have waited for someone better. Like Leonard."

James happily prances over to Maria, holding out his findings, "Look, Mary-Maria! This glass thing reminded me of you, so I called it a Maria!". He has a smile that only an idiot like James could ever obtain. "You sure you don't want to look for stuff? It's really neat." Maria looks at the vial in disgust and shakes her head. She takes a step away from James. "Tell me, what is your I.Q?"

"Uhh...". James proceeds to reply with an incredibly long 'uhh', before giving off a shrug, "I don't know. After I took one about four years ago, the doctor person started crying." At this Maria bursts into laughter. Not because she finds James' answer funny but because she has finally lost her mind. She then wanders off in search of a bar. She really needs to get drunk.

"Maarrriiiiaaa!" James cries after her and decides to follow her to the bar. Even if James did get drunk, who could notice? He'd probably only get smarter for the moments time, anyways. Maria enters a random bar that just so happens to have all the characters Silent Hill and Clock Tower 3. "If someone would kill that freak I'll be happy."

Ralph looks over almost automatically when hearing the offer. He claps excitedly and spins around on the bar stool. He attempts getting up from the bar stool, but ends up stumbling onto the floor. Vincent prods Ralph with a broom that was handy. He continues prodding Ralph with the broom. When there is no response, he hits the broom down hard on Ralph's back.Ralph jerks a bit and bites Vincent's shin, growling like a very angry puppy. Kenneth Vase, on a stage and seeing MSN butterflies everywhere due to drunkness, bursts out into song while giggling madly.

Vincent screams from Ralphs bite. Maria orders a martini in hope it would drown out Kenneth's horrific singing. John meanwhile is giggling at Kenneth. Kenneth stumbles off stage and hops into John's lap, grinning rather stupidly. Robert takes Kenneth's place on stage, causing even more horrific singing. James pokes at Maria, "Wanna dance?" Poke. "Wanna dance?" Poke. "Wanna dance?"

"No" slaps James. "No" slaps. "No" Punches. "Piss off you freak" Maria shouts at James making him whimper. Vincent starts prodding Ralph again. James' bottom lip quivers and he runs off, "FINE! I'll just go drive into a lake or something!" Ralph finally manages to get off the floor and stares at Vincent for a bit. He dramatically raises a hand, extends a finger, and prods back. Soon, the prodding turned to flicking in the forehead.

"Finally" Maria says happily and orders another martini. Vincent and Ralph's prod/flick fight soon turns into a rather nasty slap fight. In the background Claudia is cheering on Ralph, while Alyssa is cheering on Vincent. Ralph gets frustrated with slapping and tackles Vincent. He starts shaking him by the neck, "You damn cucumber!"

"Claudia, he said something nasty about God." Vincent shouts while being throttled. Claudia being the cretin she is actually believes him and dives on Ralph's back. Ralph stops strangling Vincent and starts trying to shake the overly-religious lady off of him, "Get off! Get off of me!" he snarls at Claudia. Vincent surprisingly takes pity on the scissorman. "Claudia, Harry just peed on the holy scriptures"

Ralph stares at Vincent with a confused look, wondering who would be stupid enough, even in a lie or dream, to pee on holy scriptures. As Ralph is thinking this both Harry and Henry are really peeing on the holy scriptures. Both look pretty drunk. As if reading Ralph's mind, Vincent points in the direction of Harry and Henry.

Ralph looks over and his mouth drops open. Not that he cares about the holy scriptures, but it's still shocking all the same. James, soaking wet from a failed suicide, runs over and joins them. Vincent looks at James. "Maria make you try to kill yourself again?"

James nods, sniffling, "Yes. But I never seem to be able to die. I always reappear at one of those red glowy things." Vincent takes a small step away from James. Confused about this unable to die and red glowly things. James shrugs, "See, watch." He calls Pyramid Head over, who stabs James repeatedly in the stomach. After a few minutes, James runs back over, good as new. Vincent stares at James for a moment. "You're a moron. At least Heather didn't get killed on purpose." As Vincent finishes that sentence Heather is get herself on purpose. "I stand corrected."

Pyramid Head huffs and crosses his arms, "But Valtiel gets a fancy cutscene when Heather dies. Why don't I get to do that?" he asks to himself. "Because I kick ass." Valtiel says while turning some valves above Pyramid Head. Val then fall out of his vent and lands on top of Robert who was still singing

Robert's singing comes to an abrupt halt as Valtiel lands on him. Robert blinks a few times and smiles wanna-be sexy like, "Well, hello there."

"Sorry Bubba, I'm with her." Val saying pointing towards the dead Heather. "Opps, better be off to resurrect her." With that Val scurries away. Pyramid Head watches with an aura of jealousy and lifts a pitcher of beer into his helmet. When he pulls it back out, it's empty. He pats his dog on the head and rocks back and forth. James waves at Heather, "Bye bye!"

"Damn, he's still alive. How does he keep coming back? Too dumb to die most likely." A half drunk Maria mumbles. In the background Harry and Henry are getting their asses kicked by Claudia. Chopper watches the two get beaten and guffaws that annoying guffaw of his while pointing.For no reason whatsoever Walter attacks Chopper. Even Walter does not know why he is attacking him. Everyone watches

Chopper screams a high-pitch girlish scream and curls up. Ralph decides to make peace with Vincent and offers him popcorn. Vincent happily accepts the popcorn and accepts Ralph's offer of peace. "Want to see something funny?" Ralph smiles widely, liking things that are funny. He nods eagerly, "Sure!"

Vincent rubs his hands together. "Claudia, Heather is giving birth to God!" At this Claudia stops beating Harry and Henry and rushes to witness the birth of God. She returns a few minutes later. "You'll burn in HELL, Vincent." Ralph giggles insanely at Claudia and looks at Vincent, "Seems like my Lord Burroughs. Only, he would do that if you told him there was a girl about to turn fifteen standing outside."

Vincent laughs at Claudia. She goes in search of Dahlia. Lord Burroughs enters the bar. Ralph glances around nervously, hoping Lord Burroughs didn't hear his little remark. He laughs anxiously and waves, "Hullo Darcy!" People stare at the person just addressed as Darcy, wondering how such an intimidating person could be called that.

Burroughs glares at his subordinate and pulls out his sword. Just as he is about to hit Ralph with it Maria comes and saves the day. I should add, a drunk Maria. "Hey there sexy. Are you more of a man than Jamesy?" She asks Burroughs. Ralph has run behind Vincent and peers over his shoulder with wide eyes. James gets an upset look at Maria, "Whaaaaa? Maria? You're-you're ditching me? For him?"

Ignoring James, Maria and Burroughs leave. James stares in shock. Ralph breaths a sigh of relief. Vincent could not really care what the problem actually was. James shakes a fist, "Well, I don't need you!" Obviously, this is a big lie, since James sits down in the middle of the floor and begins to bawl. Laura enters the bar. Why? It is unknown. She is only eight. She kicks James in head and walks back out. As she leaves a new evil enters the bar. DENNIS!

Everyone turns to stare this evil in the face. Even Pyramid Head is a bit uneasy. Ralph slowly narrows his eyes. "What?" Dennis asks rather confused by everyones uneasiness. He then sees Ralph. "Alyssa that gay Scissorman is back." He screams and runs in a circle in an attempt to find Alyssa. Ralph gets a beyond offended look, "I am not gay!" He looks himself over to reassure himself, which doesn't help a lot. Alyssa stares at Dennis and sighs.

"They say I'm gay because I'm a priest. I'm not, I'm after the churches funds is all." Vincent tries reassure his new friend. Dennis dives towards Alyssa and hugs her happily. Ralph nods understandingly, calming down a bunch, "Well, that sounds fun." Alyssa hugs Dennis back, completely changing her attitude from before and actually seeming like she wants him there, "Oh, Dennis!"

"That girl is very strange." Vincent observes. Dennis continues to hug Alyssa afraid that she will disappear and he'll be left with Ralph. Ralph snorts at Dennis. "She really is." Ralph agrees, watching the reunion, "She falls down at the slightest things. Or just randomly falls. Very unbalanced."Alyssa, indeed, falls still holding onto Dennis. Ralph, eager to complain about Dennis, moves on to the subject, "But isn't that the stupidest thing you've ever seen? Nearly killed him with my twin. It would have been so wonderful."

"Pity you didn't. He hasn't said anything to me and I find him annoying." Vincent pauses "You have a twin?" Vincent asks. Alyssa holds onto Dennis' hand and starts dragging him about the bar. Ralph nods, "Yeah. We've had to keep quiet about it, since some bitch in a bloody kimono keeps following us around and talking about some twin ritual thing."

"Now why does that description sound so familier?" Vincent mumbles to himself.

Robert, who had overheard the conversation, looks over, "Y'know, I have a twin, too! His name's Trebor." Sae enters the bar and kidnaps Robert. "A twin is a twin. Screw the gender." She says as she is leaving. Vincent stares at the ghost. "Oh yeah, thats why." Ralph shrugs, "At least she won't bug Jemima and me anymore. Thank goodness." Walter watches Sae, trying to remember if she was a sacrament or not.

"She isn't a sacraments, but I am." Henry tells Walter like the idiot that he is. Walter nods and sizes up Henry. Trying to decide how he shall kill this moron. Ralph walks over to Walter, "You can use some of my torture devices, if you want." he offers, eager to see bloodshed.

Walter's eyes brighten. "Ohhh can I use the best torture device you've got?" Walter asks. Henry hearing this sneaks away quietly and joins Heather, James and Harry in a game of Beat-The-Monster. Ralph nods in reply and starts naming off uncomfortable sounding devices to see which one Walter prefers. Fido watches the monster being beaten sympathetically and laps up some of Pyramid Head's liquor.

Walter chooses one of the many devices which Ralph names. He and Ralph leave the bar to go and prepare it. Jemima enters a few seconds later and orders a double shot of Vodka. Pyramid Head being the horny bastard he is, scoots over to Jemima, "Heeyyy..." Jemima instantly scoots away from him. She likes the blood look, just not the rusted look with it.

Pyramid Head rubs the back of his helmet, feeling rejected. James gives him a pat on the back in reassurance. Pyramid Head slices James in half with his great knife and continues to feel rejected. However Jemima loves this and scoots over to him. Pyramid Head looks over at her and grins beneath his helmet. James runs in breifly after appearing at a red glowy thing and points, "You're so hurtful!" He then darts off to go drown himself again.

"So, where did you get that huge knife from?" Jemima asks happily hugging Pyramid Head. Pyramid Head looks proudly at his knife, "Well, my grandpa gave it to me after he retired from being a stalker." he replies, beaming.

Jemima continues to hug Pyramid Head happily. Leonard enters the bar. The first thing to come from his mouth is. "Quack!"

Eddie looks over at Leonard, licking his lips, "Mmmm... Duuucckkk.." Eddie begins waddling towards Leonard with outstretched arms and a hungry look. With a sigh Leonard swats Eddie away with a quick swing of his wing...erm arm. Eddie lands in Dahlia's lap.

Eddie looks up at Dahlia, wondering if she's edible. He then gets a lovey-dovey look. Dahlia starts making out with Eddie. If thats not disturbing, Eddie is enjoying it. Everyone looks over and then vomits. Pyramid Head starts trying to seperate the two with a garden hose while everyone is trying to keep what sanity they have left. However the garden hose seems to make the two even more horny. Everyone leaves the bar in horror, except Stanley who does not seem to notice.

Pyramid Head sighs in annoyance, "Great. Now we have to find a new place to hang out." He then goes on ranting to himself on how he loved that bar and how many memories it carries. A few seconds later the gang find a bar right next door to the one they were just in. Kenneth blinks a few times, "Well, that's convenient." Everyone gives a nod of agreement and wander into the new bar.

Inside they find Burroughs and Maria. Walter and Ralph are preparing a torture device. Henry eyes the device and retreats to the bathroom. Lisa is also in the bar, making inappropraite videos.

Kaufmann enters the bar and sits at a table. He then pulls out drugs and begins selling them to the people in the bar. Lisa is first in the queue. Laura sneaks in and attempts buying some drugs with a paperclip. "Quit screwing around. It worth a hell of a lot more than a paperclip." Kaufmann says. He then, being the nice guy that he is, gives Laura a small sample for free. Laura smiles and happily takes the sample, giving Kaufmann a hug, "Can I call you Dad? James tried to adopt me, but I told him to fuck off."

"If you kick Harry in the balls you can call me whatever you like." Kaufmann replies as he selling some more drugs to Lisa. Laura runs over to Harry and jump kicks him in the balls. Harry falls to the ground and curls up into a ball while holding his groin. Laura walks back over to Kaufmann who in turn gives her another free sample.

All the guys that witnessed the attack on Harry wince. Laura, after accepting the drugs, turns towards Harry, "Ha ha."

"Cheryl, help Daddy and kill that little blonde brat." Harry painfully asks Cheryl who is standing over him. Cheryl throws herself at Laura and cries out, "For you, Daddy!" Laura and Cheryl begin pulling at each others hair and biting. Rolling her eyes, Alessa shoots a lightening bolt at both Cheryl and Laura. She then shoots one at Dennis for flirting with her.

Ralph laughs at Dennis' pain. Alyssa hisses and shakes holy water at Alessa. Alessa looks at Alyssa like she is nuts. She then shoots a lightening bolt at Alyssa for getting her wet. Alyssa falls to the ground, twitching madly. John smiles at this, since Alyssa is feeling the pain of being shocked and sent into a twitchy fit as he did.

Just for fun Alessa shoots two more lightening bolts at Alyssa and Dennis. She then goes to barman and tries to order a beer. The barman, scared of being zapped, cautiously holds out a beer. Alessa drinks the beer and zaps the barman anyway. She is a very bored Mother of God.

Everyone begins keeping a distance from Alessa, except James. James starts poking at Alessa, "Wanna dance?" Alessa zaps James and demands another beer. Vincent stares at Alessa, Heather and Cheryl, trying to figure out how all three are at the bar at the same time. Claudia is overjoyed by Alessa's presence. She runs over to her, "My dear Alessa! What are you doing in a bar?" she asks, realizing the setting.

Alessa looks at Claudia and then zaps her aswell. Vincent has decided to keep his distance from her. Walter and Ralph have finished preparing the torture device. Walter is now searching for Henry. Ralph starts helping Walter, but decides to torture Dennis with another device instead. Henry is curled up in the bathroom, rocking on the floor.

Being the pillock that he is, James tells Walter exactly where Henry is. Walter pats James on the head and enters the bathroom. Henry's eyes grow big and he crawls backwards away from Walter. Just as Walter is about to grab Henry, Cynthia enters the bar. Since Henry is no.21 and Cynthia is no.16, Walter leaves Henry be and goes after Cynthia.

Jasper also enters, looking around timidly, "D-D-Do t-they s-s-s-s-serve c-chocolate milk with v-vodka here?" A crispy barman eyes Jasper for a second then nods his head. Jasper goes to the bar and gets his chocolate milk with vodka. Jasper puts it to his mouth, and seems to drink it for what seems like forever.

Everyone stares at Jasper. All waiting for him to finish the chocolate milk and vodka. Kaufmann has pulled out a stopwatch to find out exactly how long it takes for him to drink. John scratches the back of his head, "Was there even that much in there?" Jasper is still drinking. Everyone continues to stare in amazment. Robert returns and he also stares in amazment.

Kaufmann glances at the stopwatch and seven minutes have passed. He looks back at Jasper with a raised eyebrow. "This is impossible. How the hell can he do that? Quit screwing around!" Kaufmann shouts in horror at Jasper. Jasper continues to drink as the stopwatch hits 12 minutes. Kenneth mutters to himself on how Jasper's infinate drinking is not scientifically possible and notes to do testing on him later. "He's my test subject." Kaufmann shouts at Kenneth. The stopwatch has hit 15 minutes.

"Damn." Kenneth curses, snapping his fingers. Kaufmann stares in horror at the stopwatch. It has just hit 23 minutes. Finally Jasper stops as the stopwatch rolls onto 23.53 minutes. "That awesome!" Jasper says happily. Kenneth runs over eagerly, snatches the glass, closes one eye, and peers into the glass with the other.

Kaufmann walks over and snatches the glass out of Kenneths hand. "As was stated before. MY TEST SUBJECT." Kaufmann looks at Jasper. "Exactly how did it take you 23 minutes and 53 seconds to drink a glass of Chocolate milk and vodka? That should be impossible!" Once again Kaufmann is horrified by Jasper drinking habit. Kenneth gets a frustrated look since he wants to figure out the secret. Jasper stares at Kaufmann and glances around, "T-That's my secret."

Kaufmann throws down Jaspers glass in anger and proceeds to strangle him. "Tell me how you stuttering freak of nature!" Kaufmann shouts with pure rage in his eyes. Jasper gags and pretends to faint dramatically in hopes of Kaufmann stopping to try and get his secret. Kaufmann is no fool and continues to strangle him. "TELL ME!" Everyone stares at Kaufmann in shock. Jasper sighs and smiles dazed, "It's magic."

"Tell me or I swear I'll kill you." Kaufmann says in anger. Jasper waggles a finger at Kaufmann, "Then you'll never know, will you?" Kaufmann lets out a frustrated groan. "If you don't tell me I'll surgically remove your balls." Jasper squeals in terror, "Okay okay! You see.." he glances around and whispers," I just keep spitting it back into the glass, so I can drink it over and over."

Kaufmann returns to his usual calm, drug dealing self. He smiles at Jasper. "Thank you. You're still my test subject though." Kenneth had opened his mouth to say something, but sighs and closes it. Jasper smiles and hugs Kaufmann, "O-O-Okay." Kaufmann puts a leash on Jasper and pulls him to the table where he was selling the drugs earlier. Laura joins them and pats Jasper like he is a dog. Jasper wags his... butt, pants, and licks Laura's face.

Everyone stares at them confused. That is until Dennis opens his mouth. "Well aren't they slightly odd." Ralph snaps at him "Shut the bloody hell up!" He still hasn't gotten over the bad impression Dennis did of him a while back. "You're a very annoying boy." Vincents tells Dennis. He then slaps Dennis across the head with a rolled up newspaper. Ralph smiles at Vincent, glad someone else took action on Dennis' annoyingness. James, on the other hand, smiles at Dennis, "Can I have your shoes?"

Dennis looks at James. "Y-you want my shoes?" Dennis says as Vincent hits him with the rolled up newspaper again. James nods, "Yeah. I've been looking at your shoes for some time. I even gave them names! That one's Mary, and that one's Maria." James explains, pointing to Dennis' shoes.

Dennis takes a small step towards Vincent and Ralph. He feels safer with them than he does with James. He turns to Ralph and Vincent. "Is he always this weird?" Vincent hits him with the rolled up paper and nods. Dennis glances at James. Ralph offers Vincent a beer bottle "Here, this will hurt more." James is rocking on heels, smiling, and staring at Dennis' shoes.

Vincent happily takes the beer bottle and thanks Ralph. Dennis is now getting paranoid about his shoes and James. He turns to Ralph and Vincent again. "Can you make him stop?" Dennis pleads. Vincents hits him with the beer bottle. "No"

"You deserve it, you freak." Ralph says and flicks Dennis in the forehead. James has got down on one knee and is now proposing to Dennis' shoes. Dennis curls up into a small ball in hope no-one will attack him or steal his shoes. Sadly luck is on his side and Alyssa fires one of her arrows at James and another at Vincent. Ralph's eyes widen as his new friend is shot with an arrow. He couldn't care less about James, but Vincent is actually pretty awesome. Ralph turns to Alyssa and points a blade at her, "I'll make mincemeat out o' you!"

Vincent looks at the magical binding chain attached to his butt. He looks towards Ralph. "Before you make her into mincemeat, could you tell me how to get this thing off my ass?" Ralph looks over, "Oh, it'll wear off after a bit. Sucky, isn't it. This one time I got binded by my-" He gets cut off by James groaning in pain. Vincent sits on the floor and patiently waits for the binding chain to wear off. He watches as James groans in pain.

Ralph goes back to being mad at Alyssa. He starts slashing at her with his blades. James quiets down and watches. Alyssa prepares to fire another arrow but stops. She looks at the bow and then throws it to the ground. She runs over to where a sleeping Harry is and steals his shotgun. "Eat lead Scissorboy." Ralph is shocked by this action and takes a step back, bewildered.

Alyssa opens fire with the shotgun. Sadly she is a crap aim. Instead of hitting Ralph she completely misses. Instead the shell lands in Walter's butt. Walter was about to kill Cynthia when this happens. Cynthia got lucky. Everyone winces and gives off a unison 'ooh'. Cynthia takes this chance to run away from Walter so she can be a hooker for a few more weeks.

Alyssa throws the shotgun behind the bar before Walter notices it was her that shot him. She picks up her bow and quietly sneaks away. Walter's face is turning red with anger and embarrassment. He whips around and eyes everyone while rubbing his bum.

Kaufmann walks over to Walter with caution, dragging Jasper behind him. "I'm a doctor. I can heal that."Walter looks at Kaufmann and pulls down his pants to reveal a nasty looking butt wound. Jasper whimpers and looks away. Kaufmann wrinkles his nose. He pulls a pair of tweezers from his pocket and pulls out the shell with them. "Quit screwing around and pull up your pants."

Cybil enters the bar, holding a shotgun. Alyssa has just discovered her scapegoat. Alyssa points towards Cybil. "She's the one who shot you." Alyssa shouts to Walter. Walter turns and sees Cybil. Cybil looks around confused. She then screams and runs out of the bar as Walter chases after her with his spoon.


	2. Happy Birthday Henry Townshend

**Author Note:** Once again this was written by myself and Doctor G. Reaper. It starts off slow, but does improve. At least I think it does.

* * *

Henry paces in front of the once sealed door to his residence. He glances down at a watch on his wrist that he received from some odd blonde guy handing out smelly objects. On his head is a pink party hat. "I hope everyone got the invitations to my Birthday..." he mutters to himself while pacing.

There is a loud banging on the door. Henry walks over to the door and opens. In the hallway stands Walter. Walter smiles widely. Obviously he attempted to look nice by running a comb through his hair one full time. He holds out a large package with a very messily done bow, "Happy Birthday 21121-er-Henry.." Henry take the package and looks at it. Walter enters the room. Richard appears at the door.

Henry looks at Richard and waves "Hello." Behind him, Walter is scarfing down chips and stabbing at a pinata with a plastic spoon. Richard gives Henry a plastic bag and enters the room. He glares at Walter. "Brat." Henry looks at the bag, shrugs, and sets it on a table along with Walter's present. Walter glares at Richard, but is still smiling. Jasper enters to room, sees Walter, and runs behind Richard, "I-I-It's him. O-Oh, and H-Happy Anniversary H-Henry."

Henry raises his eyebrow at Jasper and shakes his head. Eileen enters and gives Henry a nicely wrapped present. She sees Walter and then hides behind Henry. Walter looks between all of them, "Oh c'mon. Can't we all get along? For this special day? The day fourty-seven years ago this man would grace us? And become a sacrament?" Henry feels offended by being thought as being fourty-seven and mutters under his breath, "What the hell."

Eileen continues to hide behind Henry. Jasper gets a sudden burst of energy and jumps on Walter. "G-g-go h-h-horsey." Walter rears and starts galloping around the room. He starts neighing, but instead of making the noise is literally saying 'neigh'. Henry repeats himself "What the hell." Richard does something so unexpected everyone stops and stares at him. He had actually laughed. The stares stop as Joseph falls from the ceiling and lands face first on the floor. He holds up a present to Henry.

Henry was about to give a third 'What the hell' but is stopped as Joseph falls. He takes the present and sets it with the others. Walter walks over to Joseph and pokes at him with a toe. Joseph says something but no-one hears what he says because he is talking into the carpet. Walter continues to poke at him. Walter lifts Joseph up by the back of the neck and shakes him gently. Everyone leans foward, curious to what Joseph has to say.

Joseph glares at Walter. "I said stop poking me." Joseph then begins shaking himself in hope that it will loosen Walters grip on the back of his neck. Walter lazily drops Joseph and returns to the pinata, which is near to being opened and spilling candy. Henry frowns, because the birthday boy is supposed to be the one who breaks the pinata.

Joseph stands back up. A confused look appears on his face. He jumps up and down for a few seconds, then looks down and screams with joy. "My legs are back!" Everyone offers an unenthusiastic clap for Joseph. Mike pokes his head into the room curiously, "Psst, is Rachel going to be here?"

Everyone ignores Mike. Joseph starts running around the room, testing out his legs. Eileen is still hiding behind Henry. Henry frowns at Walter for no reason other than he had tried to kill him. Walter decides to try and take away Joseph's happiness by sticking a foot out in front of him and tricking him. He points and giggles. Laura runs into the room, "Ha ha."

Joseph glares at Walter. "You're just angry because I gave Henry the information needed to prevent the 21 Sacraments being completed." With that said Joseph stands and sticks his tongue out at Walter. Walter points at him, "Damn you!" He looks around until he finds a plastic spoon and tackles Joseph. Henry rubs his forehead, "Who wants cake?"

Joseph kicks Walter in the groin and jumps up. "Can I have some please?" Joseph walks over to Henry while keeping an eye on Walter. Walter groans and rolls around with his hands over his groin. Henry nods and cuts a slice of cake, which has little candy flowers on it, and gives it on a plate to Joseph. Jasper looks at Henry, "D-Do you have a-any more c-chocolate milk?"

Henry points to the fridge. Eileen stops hiding behind him and laughs at Walter groaning in pain. Just for fun Eileen kicks him in the side. More like for revenge. Jasper, after getting the milk, decides beating Walter looks fun. While holding the endless supply of milk to his mouth, he grabs the pinata stick and begins beating Walter. Walter attempts to roll away from them.

Eileen stops kicking and decides to look for something to hit with. Looking around she finds nothing. She goes back to kicking. "Ha. How do you like getting the crap beat out of you?"

"My crap is not being beaten out of me, thank you very much." Walter corrects and staggers up. Jasper is still drinking and continues to beat at Walter. Henry sighs and eats some cake. Joseph looks towards Henry. "Anyone else coming?" Henry shakes his head, "I was going to invite Mr. Sunderland, but I haven't paid him yet. So I wrote him a letter that says I'm going on a vacation."

Joseph sighs with relief. "Thank God he isn't coming. I still owe him rent from before everything went to hell." Joseph laughs nervously and then goes and eats some chips.

Walter is badly bruised, frustrated, and wants pie. He backs away slowly from all of the others and dramatically jumps out of a window. Everyone stares in silence. Henry breaks this silence, "What the he-" He doesn't get to finish, due to choking on a candy flower.

Eileen then asks one of the most stupid questions ever to be asked. "Is he insane?" She points to the window Walter had just jumped out of. Everyone gives her a confused look. Jasper sets down the chocolate milk and belches, "Uh-s-sor-e-excuse me."

"That kid really pisses me off." Richard says looking out the window trying to spot if the younger Walter is coming. Younger Walter is already standing at the door, holding out a present wrapped in cute squirrel-patterend wrapping-paper. He shuffles his feet shyly. "Awww." Everyone says at once except Richard who wants to skin the little runt.

Henry blinks and takes the present from the younger version of Walter, whom gives everyone a cute and helpless look. Just to make the day much worse, Andrew enters and slap Young Walter across the head. He then sits on a nearby chair. Andrew receives many glares for hurting such a cute kid. Young Walter's bottom lip quivers, but then he bares his teeth and leaps at Andrew. "The boy is the spawn of Satan and eats peanutbutter." Andrew shouts as he jumps away from Young Walters attack.

Jasper sits up, "

Peanut b-b-b-b-b-butter goes good with chocolate milk!" Young Walter lands catlike and turns to Andew, hissing. Andrew scratches the back of his head and then raises his middle finger at Young Walter. Eileen slaps Andrew across the back of the head. Young Walter automatically goes innocent looking and bats his eyes at Eileen.

"See, he is just a cute little boy who wants his Mommy." Eileen hits Andrew with a rolling pin for being so mean. Andrew sneers, Young Walter runs over to Eileen and hugs her leg. Eileen glares at Andrew and gives Young Walter a hug. Henry ponders on if he and Eileen ever got married, they'd adopt Young Walter. He also wonders if they could adopt Jasper.

Kaufmann enters. "My test subject." With that said Kaufmann leaves. Everyone looks at the door confused. Jasper waves, "B-Bye Master!" Everyone wonders when Jasper became a test subject. Joseph looks at Jasper and as the question. "When did you become a test subject?"

Jasper beams, "W-When we met at a barber shop. He-He said that he's going to shape m-me into a f-f-fine doctor, minus th-the stutt-stutt-stu-stutter." Kaufmann re-enters. "It was a bar and I said I was going to groom him into a fine doctor. Minus the stutter. Kaufmann leaves again. Joseph looks at Jasper. "Well, he has done a bad job with the stutter."

Jasper frowns, "I-I personally think I've gotten better." Henry gives the lack of much action a disappointed look, and wonders if he should hire a stripper by the name of Cynthia. Andrew turns to Henry. "You really should hire a stirpper called Cynthia. This party is going downhill. I'm sure Eileen wouldn't mind at all."

"Okay. I conveniently know a stripper called Cynthia." Not trusting the phone in his room, Henry phones Cynthia on his new cell phone and requests a show. Andrew claps his hands like a complete and utter idiot. He then sits by the door for the stripper. He is a pervert after all and best friends with Mike.

Henry shrugs, "She does owe me. But Walter went and killed her before she could give me a special favor. Oh well, she's magically revived so I guess she can give it to me." Henry smiles a little. Henry's not much of a pervert, so he actually means she owes him a homemade chocolate pie. Andrew looks towards Henry and mumbles. "Lucky sonofabitch. Andy never get hot loving."

Pyramid Head eagerly tries to get through the door, but his helmet gets stuck, "Did I hear stripper and hot loving?" Joseph squeaks in horror at Pyramid Head. "No. You heard paint stripper and thats a hot oven." Joseph now has another fear, besides ceilings, to add to his list. Pyramid Head sighs in annoyance and moves on to find another place where strippers are gathering. Henry blinks a few times, "What the hell?"

Being a journalist, Joseph is naturally always asking questions, trying to find things out. "So Henry. Were your first words 'What the hell?'?" Henry nods and digs around into a drawer, pulling out a book labeled 'The Baby Book'. He turns to a page titled 'First words', and sure enough, 'What the hell' is written down. "I also won a 'What the hell' speaking contest when I was five."

"I was actually being sarcastic." Joseph replies amazed that they really were his first words. "I bet you said your first words when you took your first steps."

"No. I said them when my dad started doing the cha-cha in a hula skirt." Henry corrects.

"A hula skirt?"

"Yeah. It was pretty nasty. I was about two then." While Henry and Joseph are discussing Henry's dad in a hula skirt, Walter has snuck back in and is stealing the party favors. Andrew continues to guard the door, waiting for the stripper. Eileen has returned to hiding behind Henry since Walter has returned.

Cynthia enters the room and throws her arms in the air, "Who's ready for a party?" she shouts to her audience and trills. All the male members of the room cheer. Eileen looks very unimpressed. Cynthia grins testingly at Eileen, "Oh, don't be a spoil sport because you know I'm more attractive than you." Everyone looks to Eileen.

Eileen smirks at Cynthia. "Really? Then why did James Sunderland say you look like a cross between a frog and a demented Leonard?" Cynthia's mouth drops open, "WHAT?" A few people cough to hide snickers. Cynthia crosses her arms and makes a clicky-noise with her tongue with a huff, "Well James can't tell a parrot from a tomato."

Eileen laughs. "Yeah. Also Vincent, Harry, Joseph, Leonard, Douglas and Eddie said the exact same thing. Eddie is having you know what with Dahlia." Eileen laughs again. "Now thats saying something." Cynthia looks around for support. No one backs her up. Walter taps his foot and looks at Eileen, "Does that mean I get to kill her?"

Eileen glares at Walter. "No. It does not!" Walter frowns and actually obeys Eileen "Okay." Cynthia shakes a fist, "Well, you all can forget having a strip show!" Cynthia leaves the room. As she is leaving Joseph can't resist making a comment. "She also walks like a frog." Jasper nods in agreement, "I hea-heard she even has webbed feet."

Leonard enters the room and shows off his webbed feet. "Quack, quack, quack." Leonard then leaves. Walter blinks, "Well that was a random event. Is it time to open presents yet?" Henry completely forgot it was his birthday and nods, "Uh-yeah. Sure." Everyone gathers around the table where all the presents are, Andrew and Jasper place two more on the table.

Henry approaches the presents and looks between all of them. He decides on Young Walter's first, since it looks the most innocent. He opens the present and inside is a familiar looking doll, "Aww. How nice. This can be a decoration for the inside of my storage box." Young Walter smiles shyly at Henry and then gives Andrew a kick in the shin. There really is no reason for it.

Henry gives Young Walter a pat on the head and moves on to Andrew's gift. Henry open the gift from Andrew and then gives Andrew a confused look. "It's a stick. To beat annoying children with." Andrew explains.

He shrugs and thanks Andrew, moving on to Jasper's present. He opens the box to find a picture of Jasper drinking chocolate milk. "It's a picture of me setting a world record." In the background of the picture is Kaufmann with a stopwatch and Kenneth with a scheming look.

Richard then pushes Henry to open the plastic bag he gave him when he arrived. Henry opens the plastic bag to find nothing inside. Everyone looks towards Richard. "What? It's not like we're best buddies. Actually I don't have any friends." Richard says proudly. Richard receives a few glares for being a bastard and Henry has a slightly disappointed look, but decides that a plastic bag could come in some use someday. Henry eyes Walter's present, unsure on whether it's safe to open.

Walter grins insanely at the present in front of Henry. Everyone else, including Richard, give it a worried look. They all wait for Henry to open it. Henry cautiously begins to open it. Inside the large box, he finds a smaller box, "Okay..." He opens the smaller box to find yet another smaller box. Everyone is getting anxious, wondering what is in the box. Henry finally opens the last box to find a spoon and a little monkey with cymbals.

Everyone glances at Walter confused waiting for some sort of explaination. It does not appear that Walter is willing to share. Everyone turns back to Harry. Henry is really confused, wondering what he's going to do with a spoon and a monkey. He flicks the switch of the monkey and it starts clapping and rolling around. Henry looks at Walter, really wishing there was some explanation.

To distract everyone from Walters present, Joseph pushes the one he brought forward. Henry opens it while keeping an eye on the monkey. It's a notebook. "Living inside Walters mother, you're going to need a notebook or a priest." Joseph says. Henry is glad, because a notebook is pretty useful. Henry makes a mental note to also get Vincent. He thanks Joseph and looks at Eileen.

Eileen pushing the neatly wrapped present towards. He quickly opens it and finds a cuddly Robbie the Rabbit. "He's just so darn cute." Eileen says smiling. Henry blinks at the doll and hugs Eileen. He's not much of a fan for stuffed animals, but a gift from Eileen is great.

With all the presents open there is nothing to do. "Now what?" Asks Richard who really wants to go back to his apartment to watch _Cooking With Valtiel_. Henry shrugs, "I guess you guys can go now." Jasper is glad, because he wants to get back to his Master. Jasper rolls through the door.

Eileen runs out of the room. It's not that she does not like Henry, she does. She still kind of paranoid about Walter and his 21 Sacraments thing. Young Walter scoots out of the room, afraid Andrew will put Henry's new stick to use. When out of the room, he breaks into a run. Andrew follows Young Walter with the intention of beating him senseless. Richard follows so he can watch TV. This leaves just Henry, Joesph and Walter in the room.

Henry turns to the two. Walter is playing with the monkey toy that he got for Henry and is giggling. "You do know that I've been living in your ceiling. Now that I'm free, I'm homeless." Joseph says sadly. He then glares at Walter. Henry smiles at Joseph, "You can stay here until you find a place. The only drinks I ever get are wine and chocolate milk. That's okay isn't it?"

Joseph smiles. "I would accept but I'm paranoid about a certain person coming to kill me. That and when Sunderland finds out I'm alive he is going to be demanding rent."

"That's true. Kind of wish I was in your place. Oh well." Henry shrugs and looks to where Walter is. Walter is imitating the monkey. Henry cannot see how someone can be so amused by such a stupid toy. "Walter want a peanut?" Joseph teases Walter with a bag of peanuts that have come out of nowhere. Walter looks at the peanut and nods eagerly, opening his mouth. Henry raises his eyebrow.

Disappointed that Walter was not angry, Joseph gives him the peanuts. He sits back on the sofa then looks over to Henry. "I think we should have a mans weekend. Drink beer, belch and fart. All weekend." Henry nods in agreement, "Yeah, that sounds good. I haven't had beer since I got locked up in here."

"That is because you have a never ending supply of chocolate milk and wine." Joseph towards Walter who is still playing with the monkey. "What is so great about that damned monkey?" Walter stops, thinks for a moment, and shrugs his shoulders, "I really don't know."

Josephs nose twitches. "Can I play with it?"

Henry nods, "Sure." Walter ignores Joseph and continues playing with the monkey.

Joseph looks nervously at Walter and then the monkey. He pokes the monkey. Walter snaps at Joseph for poking the monkey and hunches over it defensively. Joesph jumps back. "Dammit Walter. I just want to play with it." Walter frowns and looks at Henry. Henry nods, "I said he could play with it Walter. It's my toy." Walter sticks out his bottom lip and decides to play with the Robbie doll instead.

Joseph pokes at the monkey again. The cymbols starts clapping. This causes Joseph to giggle inanely. He pokes it again and the cymbols start going off again. Henry scratches his head, "What is so amusing about that monkey? It just... claps." Joseph waves him over while giggling still. "Just poke the monkey."

Henry walks over to the monkey, eyes it, and pokes it. He breaks into a fit of giggles. This is shocking for Henry, but not as shocking as it was when Richard laughed. Joseph waves Walter over. "Poke the monkey Walter." Walter pokes it and giggles. They all begin poking the monkey repeatedly, giggling every time.

Eileen comes back into the room wondering what is happening. She sees the three men poking the monkey. "What the hell?" It seems she has taken a leaf from Henrys book. Henry points accusingly at Eileen, "Eileen, that's my line. You have to try this. It makes me giggle like a girl." Henry points to the monkey.

Eileen looks at him. "What? Poke the monkey?"

Henry nods and smiles, "Yes. Go ahead. Poke it."

Eileen walks over the monkey with a straight face. She pokes it once. Her lips threaten to smile. She pokes it againa and she bursts into a fit of giggles. Henry goes back to doing his share of poking as well as the others. The four continue to poke then giggle, poke then giggle, poke then giggle. That is until Frank enters the room. "Wheres my rent, Henry?"

Henry winces, "Uhmm..." Walter is annoyed by having his monkey-poking interrupted and jabs Henry's spoon into Frank. "Sick bastard." They go back to poking. After a few months, they all have become insane, except Walter who was already insane.


	3. A Camping Experience To Remember

**Author Note**: Myself and Ken return witha another wacky adventure for the SH cast. Also some parts were done by DJ KID. This chapter we're playing a game. The game is spot the Resident Evil references. I really should write a fic for RE. You know, to get it out of my system. Oh yeah, Douglas in a speedo.

-

With the insanity of bar and birthday incident behind them, the male memebers of the Silent Hill cast decided to take a vacation. It is officially known as Mans Weekend 2005. Their destination is the Arkley mountains. How they can possibly take a holiday next to nuclear wasteland is unknown. Currently Vincent is cursing at the tent he is trying to put up. "Damn piece of..."

Meanwhile, James is off in his own world and attempting to converse with a stick. He huffs, offended, when the offer of conversation is not returned and tries with Harry. Harry is asking anything he comes across the same question. He spots James"Excuse me, may I ask you a question" From behind Harry everyone is trying to prevent James from agreeing to the request. No-one wants to hear that God awful question again.

James doesn't catch the hint and smiles good-naturedly at Harry"Sure. What question would that be" Everyone throws up their hands in defeat and rush away. Vincent is the only one unaware of what is about to happen. Harry asks his question"Do you have a penny" James nods and reaches into his pocket"Yeah. This is one of my prized ones I pulled from a toilet. Spend it well, please." Harry nods understandingly and takes the penny.

As James hands Harry the penny, Vincent picks up a metal bar. However he is going to use to put up his tent. Instead in a fit of rage he begins hitting the tent with the metal bar while shouting words that are not suited to his vocabulary. Everyone stares at Vincent questioningly and began making their distances. "These things should not exist." Vincent declares taking a break from the beating of his tent.

Harry walks over and pats him on the head"There, there. You're just mad cuz your boyfriend hasn't shown up." In unison, everyone asks"His boyfriend" This would be a perfect example of Harry's intelligence. That is the lack of intelligence. "I told you. The reason I'm a priest is to get the church's funds. Not because I'm a homesexual." Vincent says through his teeth. Henry winces, sensing the tension, and looks around at everyone"Umm... who wants smores"

Harry tilts his head confused"But you and Valtiel seem a little friendly." Whatever was preventing Vincent from killing Harry has just vanished. With a scream of anger, Vincent charges at Harry. With a girlish scream Harry runs for his life.

Henry sighs and begins having second thoughts about the camping trip. He sits down and starts trying to make a fire with wood and matches. Joseph stands up from the spot where he was sitting. He is holding a rifle in his hands. "I'm going hunting. Anyone care to join me" Straight from a plot hole, Harry hops up and is now magically holding his rifle"Oh boy, I do"

Henry lightens up and forgets about the smores"I would like to. Anyone have a rifle I could borrow? I just brought a golf club in case we wanted to play golf." Joseph points Henry towards the jeep where Walter is happily playing with that darn monkey. He then looks towards Harry. "Just don't go shooting me, okay." With that the three men head off towards the forest.

Henry keeps his voice down so he doesn't scare off the game"So, what are we hunting, anyways"

Joseph shrugs. "I have no idea what sort of wildlife are in this area. Hopefully nothing that can kill us." He says while keeping his voice down. Henry gets an uncomfortable look. He begins imagining different types of already intimidating animals, but mutated from the nuclear waste. Joseph suddenly brightens. "Know what I heard? It involves that nuclear wasteland." Being a journalist, Joseph is meant to know the most useless bits of information.

Both look over with eager-to-learn looks. Well, Harry with a more of a eager-to-attempt-to-learn-but-fail-miserably look. If it is possible Joseph brigtens even more. "That nuclear wasteland used to be a city. It was nuked because there some really odd creatures wandering the streets. Isn't that awesome" Surpisingly, Henry has the confused look"What the hell? That was a city"

"Well it was nuked. Can't expect it to look like Ashfield, now can we" Joseph states. Harry nods in agreement. "Well, that's true." Henry considers while looking around for game.

"Just curious what's with all the 'what the hell?' crap" Joseph while searching for anything that can possibly be shot at. Henry turns his attention from looking for animals to staring at Joseph"What do you mean"

"Every time you find something odd happens you always say 'What the hell?' So, what's up with that" Joseph says while aiming his rifle at nothing. "It's my phrase, I guess. It's sort of automatic, I can't help it..." Henry says while Harry fires at a pair of antlers. Out of a bush comes a very mad Pyramid Head wearing antlers taped to his helmet. "Oh yeah. Harry, don't shoot Pyramid Head either." Joseph adds quickly to his earlier comment. "He's quite sensitive about it."

Henry looks at Pyramid Head"Why are you wearing antlers in the first place" Pyramid Head shrugs"For my kind, it's a tradition to tape antlers to our helmets and dance around with spears while chanting 'cinnamon buns, yummmmm.'" Joseph looks at Pyramid Head like he is insane. "Yeah. I think we should head back to camp." He says nervously. "That thing over there is giving me the evil eye." Sure enough there is a mutant bear rubbing itself on a tree

Henry nods with wide eyes and backs away quietly. Dumb Harry, though, fires at the bear, missing by a few feet and nearly shooting Joseph. "Jesus Christ Harry! Watch it" Joseph shouts. If the bullet did not grab the attention of the mutant bear, Josephs shouting most certainly did. The mutant bears roars. Harry gets a frightened look and breaks into a run. Henry follows close behind.

Meanwhile back at camp. Vincent has pitched hit tent. Walter is still playing with the monkey. Kaufmann is teaching Jasper how to use a map and compass. James is curled up taking a nap on the ground. Jasper is learning from Kaufmann and trying not to stutter as much.

Kaufmann hands Jasper the compass. "Now tell me, which way are you facing now" As Kaufmann is saying this Douglas runs past wearing only a speedo. Jasper drops the compass from the disturbance and cries out in pain and agony, sheilding his eyes. Jasper continues to cry in pain and Kaufmann examines his broken compass. Pyramid Head, Henry and Harry appear in camp. Shortly behind them a very bloody Joseph. Henry and Harry are out of breath. James wakes up, looks over, waves to Pyramid Head, and looks at Joseph"Oh my. You're covered in some red stuff. What happened"

"I was mauled by a dog. Thankfully Pyramid Head killed the bear." With that said Joseph collapses to the ground. He says something else but no-ones hears it. Pyramid Head beams from underneath his helmet. Henry sits down, still panting. Harry frowns"I nearly killed it. But then it got all roary and stuff."

Joseph continues to mumble stuff into the ground. Kaufmann looks at him, shrugs and turns his attention back to Jasper. Jasper has picked up the compass and is staring at it sadly. He looks at Kaufmann with his bottom lip stuck out"S-Sorry..." Kaufmann frowns at the broken compass. It's...It's okay." He says. His bottom lip begins to quiver and then he bursts into tears.

Jasper hangs his head, sniffling. He didn't mean to make Kaufmann cry. Douglas just scared the hell out of him. Everyone stares at Kaufmann and Jasper; not really caring. The only exceptions being Walter and Douglas. "All you have to do is a put a gun to their head and POW." Eddie rambles while hugging a photo of Dahlia. Everyone glances at Eddie and begin pulling out their own pictures of loved ones. Pyramid Head sighs, staring at a picture of Jemima longingly.

Of course Joseph is still lying face down and the ground. He manages to lift his head. "In need of medical attention." With that he head slams back on the ground. Jasper nudges Kaufmann nervously"Y-You provide medical attention." He smiles to himself since his stutter is getting better. Kaufmann stops crying. He is extremely impressed. "Your stutter is beginning to fade away." He is still however ignoring Joseph's need for medical attention.

Jasper gets a proud look and hugs Kaufmann"You've help-ped me" Kaufmann is so proud of the achievement he does something unexpected. A quick little victory jig. He then notices Joseph. "I can heal that." Jasper is so proud of himself, he nearly wets his pants. He waddles off away so he can do his business in privacy. James starts poking at Joseph with a stick, curious if it has healing powers. Kaufmann walks over and shoos James away. He then pulls out two health drinks and gives them to Joseph. "Drink both of them. Should fully restore your health." He says.

James blinks"So that's what they do? I thought they were just gifts from the Otherworld for visiting or something like that." Kaufmann looks towards James. "Quit screwing around and build a camp fire." Joseph is now back on his feet. James nods quickly and starts trying to continue Henry's fire from before, only with the stick and his lips. Vincent looks towards James. With a sigh he walks over to where the logs for the fire are. He lights a match and drops it on the logs.

Henry smiles widely and gets grahm crackers, chocolate, and marshmallows"Smores" Douglas walks over to the fire. He is now wearing a trench coat over the speedos. "Anyone got popcorn? Or cucumber"

Henry eyes him"Why do you want a cucumber"

Douglas smiles innocently. "No reason. Just want some cucumber."

Henry shrugs and pulls out a cucumber from a secret stash and hands it to Douglas"Erm... have fun." Douglas holds up the cucumber and laughs insanely before running further into the forest. "Odd person." Vincent says while watching Douglas run off.

Henry nods in agreement, hoping Douglas is going to eat and only eat that poor cucumber.

Everyone sits around the camp, except Douglas who is somewhere in the forest with the cucumber. Joseph is busy telling everyone about the mutant dog. "...anyhow, I killed it. Still mauled me." Henry nods. "It was a weird looking fellow. Had teeth for its teeth"

"No. That was the bear." Joseph corrects Henry. All the talk about mutant bears and dogs has made Vincent a little nervous. "So, is there anything out there" Vincent asks. Pyramid Head, who has been out there for a while, nods"Uh huh. You should have seen this llama. It was about eight feet tall and had ten two-foot claws on each of its five legs."

At the thought of this Vincent whimpers. "I'm beginning to wish Claudia would stab me in the back about now." Pyramid Head chuckles"I'll do it for you. Don't have my blonde Claudia wig with me, but you can use your imagination." Vincent glances at Pyramid Head nervously. "You're not meant to torment me. You're meant to torment James."

Pyramid Head sighs and looks at James, who is poking his nose into the fire. "Of course wanting to killing someone with more intelligence than him is natural." Vincent says while pointing at James. James burns his nose on the fire. Jasper returns and sees James burn his nose. He screams and runs off deeper into the forest, paranoid of flames. Kaufmann sighs and stands up. "I have a test subject to catch." With that he goes off in the direction Jasper went in. Jasper runs into a tree and knocks himself out. Henry sighs and shakes his head. He begins to make smores for everyone.

Douglas runs back towards the camp fire. He is still waving around the cucumber. He jumps over the camp fire while pulling off his trench coat, revealing himself in all his speedos glory. Henry sways a bit, completely sickened, and buries his face into Joseph's shoulder sobbing. Joseph is trying to knock himself out with one of his many notebooks. Vincent is busy vomiting in a nearby bush. Walter is trying to figure out if he should kill Douglas or let him bring more torture. Pyramid Head pulls his legs up to his chest and tries to pull his helmet down more while rocking. Yes, even the great Pyramid Head is being forced into fetal position.

Failing to knock himself out, Joseph bursts into tears. "God? What have I done to deserve this" He shouts at the sky. Just as Douglas decides to leap over him. Henry pushes himself away from Joseph and glances around quickly. He takes his golf club and begins whacking Douglas with it.

Kaufmann returns dragging the knocked out Jasper behind him. He sees Henry beating Douglas. "What the hell" Henry pauses, twitches a bit, and glances at Kaufmann"Stop screwing around" Kaufmann sits by the fire unfazed by Henrys attempt at mocking him. "Incorrect line."

"... Quit screwing around" Henry asks, rubbing his head.

Kaufmann waves him off. He then prods Jasper with a stick trying to get him to wake up. Jasper shifts, rolls, and begins to mutter in his sleep "I.. lurv... ya..." Kaufmann raises an eyebrow and prods him with the stick again. Jasper leaps up and hugs Kaufmann"I love you, Daddy" Kaufmann pats Jasper on the head. He then turns to the fire

The fire is slowly dying out. Henry yawns after beating Douglas a bit more"I'm tired... Can we sleep" Vincent rushes towards his tents without even bothering to answering Henrys question. Jasper tugs at Kaufmann's sleeve childlike"Can I share a tent with you? The red pyramid thing stole mine..." Pyramid Head cackles in the background. Kaufmann sighs and nods. He is now beginning to regret not letting Kenneth have the test subject.

Elsewhere, Kenneth is propped back in a comfy chair watching on a hidden camera, pointing and laughing at Kaufmann. He sips some tea and sighs in relaxation. Jasper smiles at Kaufmann, runs into the tent, and hogs the sleeping space. Kaufmann points in a random direction. "I know you're watching. I will get revenge." Kenneth gets an uneasy look, but shrugs it off.

Henry curls up in his tent, reading an article in a magazine about fixing holes in walls. Douglas belly flops onto Henrys tent. "I'm Mr. Speedo man." With that announced Douglas jumps over all the tents in only his speedo. Henry screams like a sissy and curls up into a tight ball"No more speedos mommy, no more speedos mommy..." Inside his tent, Joseph is trying to write an article about nuclear wastelands. He sees the shadow pass over his tent. He shivers in fear.

James pokes his head out of his tent and whimpers. "Umm... Sir... Could you put pants on" Douglas looks at James and then his speedos. "Mr. Speedo man says no." Douglas then leaps over James' tent and lands in a bush. James backs into his tent and shudders. Now he is trying to think of which is worse. Douglas in speedos, or Dahlia. Or... Dahlia in speedos... He passes out from the thought. Vincent sits in his tent praying. He then goes off to sleep in mid prayer.

The next morning Kaufmann leaves his tent looking tired and like a drowned rat. Joseph has been up since the crack of dawn packing up the jeep. Henry is already in the jeep, but has fallen asleep again. Jasper scurries after Kaufmann and smiles apologetically. James gets up and looks towards the empty tent where Pyramid Head used to be. Everyone climbs into the jeep. How they all got in is a mystery. The jeep leaves the nuclear wasteland. Of course they have forgotten to pack Douglas who is still in the bush.


	4. Project Zero II: Red MaJigger Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Myself and Ken don't own Fatal Frame or Silent Hill. They belong to Tecmo and Konami.

/\-/\-/\-/\-/\-/\-/\-/\-/\-/\

The two Pyramid Head's sat at the edge of the forest, not really enjoying scenery. It isn't to their tastes. They prefer rusted metal and corpses. Pyramid Head, which for identification's sake we're going to label Pyramid HELMET, looks to the other one, clanking his helmet against his twin's, "Erm, why exactly are we here?"

Pyramid Head shrugged. "I got a letter. It was from James. It said we had to follow something." He holds up the letter. "He also said there would be something to kill when we got here. It's April Fools day, isn't it?"

Pyramid Helmet thinks for a moment, "Nope. It isn't." His attention gets caught by a red gleam somewhere in the forest. He gets up and walks towards it, tripping over a branch while he's at it, "Shit." He gets back up and starts limping after the red glow.

"Thought not. I say we sit here and wait. Have..." Pyramid Head looks around to find his brother missing. "Where in pickles sake have you disappeared to now?" He scans the area and sees Pyramid Helmet heading into the forest. "Hey, wait up. You're not going to leave me again."

Pyramid Helmet continues limping after the red thing. A few branches smack him in the head, but luckily he wears a helmet. Once they pass a weird stone thing, Pyramid Helmet briefly flashes into a girl in a white kimono, which is a bit disturbing. Pyramid Head continues to follow his brother. He stops when Pyramid Helmet briefly flashes into a girl in a white kimono. "I should have known there was something odd about him when he asked for a makeup kit last Christmas." He continues onwards.

Pyramid Helmet trips again. "Gah damnit!" he shouts in frustration and staggers up again, muttering about how trees should be used for making spears, not beating people down. He chases the red ma-jigger, calling out to it, "Come baaack! I want to show you to my fish Charlie!" The red ma-jigger looks back towards Pyramid Helmet, giggles and begins to move even faster. While behind Pyramid Helmet, Pyramid Head is losing his breath.

Pyramid Helmet finally follows the red ma-jigger to a cliff side overlooking a rather deserted looking town. He snatches at the red ma-jigger and gets attacked my many others, "Oh shiznits!"

Pyramid Head sees the many red ma-jiggers and takes cover behind a large rock that is in the middle of a clearing. "Take cover you crossing dressing freak. TAKE COVER!"Pyramid Helmet does as told and dives behind his brother, clinging to his legs. He gets up after a bit and peers out towards where the red ma-jiggers were, "Where'd they go?"

Pyramid Head peers around the corner of the rock. "Well, how the hell am I supposed to know?" He steps out from behind the rock and admires his new surroundings. "Slightly better then that last place, but nothing like home." He hears something rustle in the bushes.Pyramid Helmet looks over at the bushes and backs away behind his brother again, holding onto his arm, "...Charlie?"

Pyramid Head sighs. "I know it's not the best time to ask but I need to know. Are...are you gay?" The bushes continue to rustle.Pyramid Helmet looks at Pyramid Head, ".. No, I certainly am not. I like mannequins, for your information. They don't have-" the bushes rustle louder, "do they?"

Pyramid Head is looking blankly at the bushes before he shakes his head. "Did you say something?" He prods the bushes with his spear. Out pops Jasper.Jasper looks at the two, chocolate milk in hand, "S-S-Something BIG is g-going to happen!" Pyramid Helmet stares and pokes Jasper cautiously.

Pyramid Head stares at Jasper before talking. "You always say that. Last time you said that you somehow set yourself on fire." Pyramid Head begins playing with a lighter.Jasper shrieks when seeing the lighter and jumps off the cliff, breaking through someone's poor house. Pyramid Helmet looks over the cliff side, "Think anyone else is here?"

Pyramid Head shrugs again. "Don't know. Maybe that insane guy who wanted to experiment on Jasper."

Pyramid Helmet scratches his helmet, "Why in the world would someone waste their lives tying to experiment on HIM?"

Once again Pyramid Head shrugs. "I don't know. Maybe because he has the intelligence of a dead fish named Charlie." Pyramid Helmet begins laughing, "Yeah-hey-waitaminute..." He frowns under his helmet and starts to say something but is interrupted by Jasper's screaming.

Pyramid Head looks over to the cliff edge. "Sounds like there could be a massacre down there. We sooooo need to be there dude." With that Pyramid Head heads towards a trail leading into the village.Pyramid Helmet nods in agreement and begins limping down the trail, cautiously avoiding any branches. They see something go into the nearest house.

Pyramid Head stops at the house to wait for his brother. "Why the hell are you so slow? Even Maria walks faster then you."

Pyramid Helmet huffs, "Well, you could just carry me on your back." he suggests before looking to the house, "What was that?"

Pyramid Head looks at the house. "Nothing. You're imagining things again. And I won't carry you because you need exercise."

Pyramid Helmet groans at the decline of his suggestion and shoves his brother towards the door, "Well, let's go in. Maybe we can raid their fridge or something."

Pyramid Head glares at Pyramid Helmet before pushing the door open and entering the house. They go through another door and find themselves in a room with a fireplace in the middle. "I don't think we're going to find a fridge here."

Pryamid Helmet doesn't respond. He goes into a twitching fit and glances around nervously, whimpering like the wussy twat he is. Pyramid Head walks over to his brother. "What you doing?" He touches his brother's shoulder and then begins spazzing out.

They see images of an Oriental-looking woman looking around close to where they're standing. She stumbles down the hall towards, calling out in a sweet voice, "Masumi? Masssuuummii? Where are you Masumi?" Her mood quickly changes, "MASUMI WHERE ARE YOU, YOU TWO-TIMING ALCHOHOLIC BASTARD!" She blinks and covers her mouth, blushing, "Oops. Erm... Masumi?"

Pyramid Head jumps back. "Wow, that was the Asian version of James and Mary." Pyramid Head looks at his brother who is spazzing out still.

Pyramid Helmet finally stops and looks at his brother good and long, nodding slightly, "Uh, right. What was that? Crap, I knew we shouldn't have taken some of those cookies from Kaufmann." Pyramid Head begins walking along one of the hallways of the house. "I told you not to eats Kaufmann's cookies. Rumour is he is a drug dealer."

Pyramid Helmet limps after, "Oh. Well, you saw it too, so it's not just me." He looks down at his leg, "I think it's getting bett-" he starts, but an arm weilding a baseball bat comes through the wall and beats his leg down.

Pyramid Head doesn't see any of this, not like he would care if he did. He continues when he sees the woman from the vision. "Hey. It's Mary part two." Pyramid Helmet waves. Mary part two starts to wave, but notices that she's being out of character. She turns and walks into a door, curses, and turns even more ghost-like before walking through it. Pyramid Head goes in the direction Mary part two went. He goes through the first door he sees. "Nothing in here."

Pyramid Helmet leans in, "You sure? There isn't any conveniently placed item that may help us through this town?" Pyramid Head shrugged. "Erm...okay. You have a look and give me the items since you walk so slow."

"Why don't you pick up the items? You could get them faster."

"It's your turn."

"My turn? When did we gets turns?"

"Just now."

Pyramid Helmet sighs in annoyance, "Fine. Whatever. Just remember you have a turn to owe. I'll make sure it's pointless and embarrassing." He nearly steps on a camera, "Hey, look, a camera. Maybe it has pictures of a girls gone wild party."

Pyramid Head runs over. "Gimme the camera. Gimme the camera."

Pyramid Helmet hands him the camera, "It's kinda old looking, though. Were girls way back when sexy?" Pyramid Head takes the camera and admires. "Very fine craftsmanship." He walks over to the door. He tries to open it. "Damn door is stuck."Mary part two is on the other side, holding the door shut and giggling like a mad woman. Pyramid Helmet sighs, "Why not just bust it down?"

Pyramid Head thinks for a moment. "You break it down and I'll take a photo. It'll be a great one for the album."Pyramid Helmet nods, "Okay. One... two... three!" He dives through the door, making Mary part two stand there with a bewildered look. When Pyramid Head takes the picture, she manages to give him the finger before disappearing.

Pyramid Head giggles madly. "Lets find another door to do that to. Oh and Mary part two gave me the finger." He carries on giggling as he walks along the hallway. Pyramid Helmet adjusts his helmet, "Making we can get her to pose with us." he says hopefully while following Pyramid Head.

Pyramid Head nods and begins climbing the stairs. "Any idea of where to go?"

Pyramid Helmet, "That's another thing. We need to find a-Hey look a map." He picks it up, noticing a lot of doodles on it.

Pyramid Head turns to his twin. "We need to find a what? What's on the map? What's the map of? This house? This village? No, logic says it's of this house."

"It says it's the Akaso house. Must be Spanish." he says, shrugging. Pyramid Head thinks a moment. "It'll be useless then. This place isn't Spanish."

"Oh, okay." he throws the map off to the side, which he had been reading upside down anyways. Pyramid Head looks down into the fireplace room. "What were you saying before the map distracted you?"

"I was going to say we should find a map." he replies, "Anyways, let's break down that door." he points to the door with the lock. Pyramid Head taps his head. "Great minds think alike. Would you like that honor?"

Pyramid Helmet nods. Breaking things was a hobby. He already broke a lot of the locks in Silent Hill. He dives through the door, making Mary part two very angry, "Damnit, stop breaking the doors!"

Pyramid Head points to his brother. "It was his idea. I suggested we go look for a key. Oh would you pose for a picture with my brother pretty please?"

Mary part two blinks. Pyramid Helmet puts and arm around her and makes a peace sign with two of his three fingers. Pyramid Head raises the camera. Mary part two's eyes widen in horror and she starts waving no with her arms. "Say cheese." Pyramid Head snaps the picture and Mary part two scream in pain and disappears. "Odd."

Pyramid Helmet nods in agreement and looks around the room, "Well, let's contiue on." Pyramid Head goes further into the room. "There's nothing in here. Except from a red notebook. Want a red notebook?" Pyramid Helmet shrugged and looked over his brother's shoulder, "Maybe. Is there anything written in it? If so, yes I want it."

Pyramid Head flips through the page, stopping everyone so often. Finally he nods his head. "Yes, there. Some woman named Miyako is whining about a guy named Masumi. No monster porn though." Pyramid looks at the ceiling deep in thought before turning to his brother. "You think Miyako could be Mary part two? and Masumi, Eddie part two?"

Pyramid Helmet stands in silence, appearing in deep thought. In reality, however, he's just thinking of mannequin on mannequin action. He holds the bottom of his helmet in the crease between his 'thumb' and 'index finger' to give himself a thoughtful look, "Hmmm... Maybe."

"Is that a yes or a no?" Pyramid Head asks while waving the red notebook under Pyramid Helmet's helmet. Pyramid Helmet nods, "Yes, yes." he says and begins to snatch the notebook. He notices Miyako/Mary part two with her hand on Pyramid Head's shoulder. He begins scooting away with his fists up to his helmet in a sissy fashion.

Pyramid Head looks at his brother slightly. "Oh let me guess. Miyako slash Mary part twp is standing right behind me. And you never answered my earlier question." He throws the notebook behind himself which somehow bounces off Miyaki/Mary part two's head. "Have you noticed how huge her butt is?"

Pyramid Helmet stares, "What question." Miyako/Mary part two sighs in frustration and clanks on Pyramid Head's helmet. She points to the door, which is busted and ruined, "Why?" Pyramid Head sighs in frustration. "That Mary part two is Miyako?" He then turns toMiyako/Mary parttwo. "Boredom, You've Been Framed and to prove that we're big strong males." After saying the word 'males' Pyramid Head growls. He then points at Miyako/Mary part two. "Why?"

Miyako/Mary part two blinks a few times in confusion. This is the first time that someone hasn't screamed like a pansy. She scratches her head, quite puzzled. Pyramid Head wastes for Miyako/Mary part two's answer.

Miyako/Mart part two stares at him for a bit before shrugging, "Iunno."

Pyramid Head looks around the room to see his brother has vanished again. He sighs. "Did you see where my brother went?"

Miyako/Mary part 2 shrugs again, "Nope. Say, I'm going to go make some tea. Wanna come? I've scheduled a tea party with some blonde woman and a guy with glasses."

If Pyramid Head had eyes they would be open wide right now. "Erm...I've got to find my brother. Want to have tea as well though. How about I take your photo again." He raises the camera again. Miyako/Mary part 2's eyes widen as Pyramid Head raises the camera. She quickly begins trying she shake her arms 'no' again, but gets a photo taken of her anyways. She screams and disappears after managing to throw a radio at Pyramid Head.

The radio bounces off Pyramid Head's helmet and lands at his feet. "Damn. She disappeared again. Must be camera shy." With that he picks up the radio and leaves the room.

To Be Continued...


End file.
